The Barguments.com Leaderboard

Barguments.com has begun attracting some submissions of new barguments from longtime barguments fans (read: my friends).

Meanwhile, the site seems to be getting OK traffic-- some of the barguments have 30 votes, and the site only allows one vote per IP address. That means there shouldn't be too many duplicate votes, unless you're voting at home and at work (which is encouraged).

It seems like a good time to analyze how these new barguments are doing. I've found it's hard to tell which barguments will be hits, and which will be guillotines.

[Guillotine is the term I use for barguments where everyone picks the same option. It was born late one night at Flannigans when a friend of mine, Tadd, thought he had a golden bargument: If you're in a guillotine, would you want to face up or face down? We couldn't think of many people who would pick face up. I believe Tadd was face down fairly quickly after that night ended.]

Have we had any hits yet from the Barguments.com submitters?

YES! Mike V. of Easton, MD (really, my cousin, Michael Valliant; read his blog about his insane jogging addiction) came up with one that has garned 26 votes and has remained almost tied since appearing on the site. The bargument: Pick the superior guitar legend between Jimi Hendrix and Jimmy Page. Hendrix has the edge now, but expect that to change soon. And I thought classic rock died off in the early 90s...

Now, to balance that out with a couple guillotines....

Prolific submitter Drew H. of NYC (an old college buddy and long-time fixater on all things odd) has given us a couple that haven't exactly divided the room. Drew came up with one I thought was gold: would you rather get a check for $500 or $1,000 worth of loose pennies? Everyone picked the pennies.

Not me-- how could you even receive 100,000 pennies? How could you cash them in? Wouldn't there be a fee involved? Would the spread be worth it?

Then again, I've produced quite a few guillotines. How many slices of pizza make a meal? Almost everyone picked three. Shouldn't have put that one in the book.

Another Drew-gument: would you rather jog a mile on a hot day in jeans and a sweater, or on a sub-freezing day in shorts and a T-shirt? Everyone picked the cold day. I was surprised. Can you even survive wearing shorts in 15 degrees? I know I can't run fast enough to stand that cold, but I live in Miami.

Today Drew sent me an email headlined "I plan to prove my worthiness..." with a bargument I think will be a hit:

Would you take steroids for a year if you thought your current salary would triple?

A tempting choice. A kooky dilemma. Personal risk for material gain. Many of the elements of BARGUMENTS GOLD!

I remember sitting in a student lounge at the University of Richmond in the early 1990s, reading a one-paragraph Newsweek item about how the Internet was expected to become much more popular with the coming introduction of an interface that made it easier to see graphics and images online. It was called the "World Wide Web."

I can't recall where that fell on the cyberspace evolution timeline. I'm pretty sure the word "cyberspace'' was still common. Now it sounds dated. Remember the "Information Superhighway?" We should have known that wasn't long for this world: even "superhighway" sounded like something you'd hear in the 50s. "Did you hear they're building a highway with FOUR lanes?! It's a SUPER-highway."

But I seem to have missed a major online development. When did we stop having to use "www" when typing in web addresses? I sort of noticed that only stodgy newspapers still include "www" when writing about websites. And most of us have dropped "www" from our vocabulary - it's amazon.com and godaddy.com, etc. But am I the only one still typing it in to my browser window?

Maybe I'm wrong, but the no-www rule seems to apply to every web address I try -- including (of course) barguments.com and barguments.blogspot.com.

It's sort of a shocking development -- as if, you one day realized you don't have to dial "1" anymore when calling long-distance. (Long distance, adj., a phrase used in the parlance of "land line" telephones, in which users are charged more for placing phone calls to areas outside their immediate location. The phrase lost meaning with the advent of celluar communication.)

Not to obsess, but the Barguments page on Facebook has dropped from 26 fans to 25 fans. Who is this person that decided they're no longer a fan of a book that has not yet been released? Most of the fans who signed up are people I know, so I've been scrolling through the roster to see who's missing.

My Malaysians all seem to be accounted for. (Barguments had a surge of popularity among Malaysians one week.) Suspicion now falls on Miami Herald people -- I can't remember who had signed up before.

Was it you? Just go back and become a fan again. No questions asked.

Now to make this blog more complicated...

For the first time in many weeks, there's no live poll at the Barguments Blog.

Try to go on.

I know, this will disapoint some of the Bargument Blog's most loyal fans. (Also known as Ina, who sits next to me at work.) But there's a reason for this sudden, shocking change.

The official Barguments site, http://www.barguments.com/, has now gone live. It's in the early stage (not beta... I'd say somewhere between Epsilon and Lamda) but ready for your voting pleasure.

Check it out!

Then come back.

If you're like me, you've been poring over the delegate breakdowns from Super Tuesday, trying to game out the end of this extraordinary fight for the Democratic nomination. I'm starting to realize we're heading toward a nightmare scenario.

Hillary scored a big blow against Obama by taking California, yet his close victory in Missouri and the home-state drubbing he managed in Illinois -- not to mention a gaggle of wins in caucus and East Coast states -- handed him enough delegates to stay even with her.

Now we move to the Feb. 12 "Chesapeake Primary," expected to be favorable to Obama. (He's apparently polling amazingly well in both Starr and Linkwood.) That could let him close the delegate gap even more. Should Hillary fail to stop him in the big battleground of Wisconsin five days later on Feb. 19, that sets up a major showdown when Ohio and Texas hold their primaries on... March 4th!

Yes, the nightmare is upon us. The final battle between Obama and Clinton could fall on the same day as the Barguments release! Even worse, the primary results would be rolling in just as I begin my long-awaited 8 p.m. talk at Books & Books in Coral Gables.

Could I compete with the conclusion of an historic nomination fight in one of the most engaging elections of a generation? Unclear. Let's just hope I never put Miami Barguments fans to that test.

C'mon Hillary. Let's end this. (I say this even though the Grateful Dead has endorsed Obama. A knife in the back, and more of the same...)

Winners and Losers

After weeks of Barguments Blog polls, we can draw some conclusions about who's up and who's down in bars across America.

WINNER: Alcohol.

An overwhelming 66 percent of Barguments Blog readers opted to give up sugar instead of alcohol.

LOSER: Nancy Grace.

Asked to chain themselves to one of three celebrities, 16 readers picked conservative commentator Ann Coulter and 14 picked Rosie O'Donnell. Only two chose the occasionally rabid ex-prosecutor.

WINNER: Barack Obama.

He won the most beers in the bargument: Which presidential candidate would you most like to have a drink with? John McCain came in second. Super Tuesday bellweather contest?

LOSER: Lance Bass.

Only one person picked the ex-*NSyncer when asked to choose among four celebrities to be trapped inside an elevator with. Mary Kate Olsen narrowly beat out Tom Cruise and Martha Stewart in that contest.

To be fair, many people may not have recalled exactly who Lance Bass is. He and I happen to have the same book editor at Simon Spotlight Entertainment, so I consider him a fierce rival in the publishing arena. He's unaware I exist.

WINNER: Domestic Robots

Even as Rosie, the Jetson family's robotic housekeeper, leads the latest Barguments Blog poll (pick your favorite robot), loyal reader Johnny Scrappleseed weighs in with this nominee: "What about Irona, Richie Rich's robot maid?"

Sorry, KITT.

Sheeeeeeeit

I just discovered NPR did a radio segment on 10-ounce Budweisers two years ago. But did they talk about the Eastern Shore? No. They went to St. Mary's County.

Now, as we'd say on the Shore, that ain't right. How in the hell can you do this story without hearing an Eastern Shore accent?

I originally broke the 10-ounce trend story back in the early 90s when I was writing for the Star-Democrat. NPR gave no credit, of course. I should have been their on-air expert.

For those who don't know what I'm talking about, Budweiser sells most of its beer in 12-ounce cans. It used to be the most popular beer in the country. Now, I think it's 12-ounce Bud Light.

On the Shore (Jesus H. Christ, Blogosphere! Don't you know anything?! I'm refering to the Eastern Shore of Maryland -- the eastern side of the Chesapeake Bay) Budweiser also sells beer in 10-ounce cans. And those cans outsell 12-ounce cans on the Shore.

It's one of the few places in the world where you can even buy tenners -- the others: the coast of Louisiana, Puerto Rico and, yes, Southern Maryland, home of St. Mary's County. But there's just now way Southern Maryland can compete with the Shore's loyalty to tenners. No way.

I'm listening to this segment as I write this post (it lasts five minutes). You can listen to it by clicking here.

The reporter interviewed all these locals at some St. Mary's bar. Most of them sound like they're from Connecticut -- except for the last guy, who talks about loading seven cases of 10 ounce into the mobile home when they go away. "I drink Bud, my wife drinks Bud Light."

He has a boat, too -- called "Ten Ounce.''

OK, I'll give St. Mary's some credit on that one. Wish I could track down that guy and give him a book. But gawddammit, you can't talk about 10 Ouncers and snub the Shore.

I'm not happy. It's one thing to have a local (me) write about tenners -- a term not used ONCE in the segment -- but when Noah Adams does, it sounds a little patronizing. Look at what these crazy beer-drinking country folk are doin' now!

Want to see some real 10-ounce fans? Come to the official Barguments launch party at the bar that started it all: Latitude 38 in Oxford. Latitudes will be hosting a Barguments happy hour on Saturday, March 15, from 3 to 7.

I'm hoping they'll put tenners on sale. Chances are, they'll run out.